Fighting Tooth and Nail
by Dixie Darlin
Summary: Trouble seems to follow Turbo everywhere he goes, even during a seemingly simple trip to Dr. Mario's game to reluctantly get his teeth whitened. Meanwhile, Felix is...Felix.


_I got this idea from an episode of Dan Vs. (hilarious show, but sadly got cancelled). This is probably the craziest, most pointless thing I've ever written, but it was a lot of fun! I love the idea of my favorite two characters rooming together for some reason, and this is one of the nutty ideas I spawned. This is **post-movie** by the way.  
_

* * *

**Fighting Tooth and Nail**

"Turbo, have you ever thought to," Felix paused to tug at his collar nervously, "that is, don't get offended or anything, but-"

"Spit it out, Fix-It," Turbo droned boredly from his place in the recliner, laid back almost fully horizontal and with one of Paperboy's newspapers covering his face as he tried to nap. He had been living with Felix since he regenerated from his Diet Cola Mountain death a few months ago, seeing as how the handyman was the only person nice enough to have anything to do with him.

Felix cleared his throat, then readjusted his hat out of habit. He inhaled a deep breath before saying, "Have you ever thought about having your teeth whitened?"

There was a long, awkward silence in the room, which made Felix almost go nuts with anxiety. At last, the 80s racer slowly picked up his hand and removed the newspaper from his face, and then diverted his eyes over at his roommate without even turning his head. The unamused expression on Turbo's face was a lot better than the ones of malice that Felix had been accustomed to seeing in the early days of their housing arrangement, so Felix actually sighed inwardly in relief.

"Felix," Turbo began in a calm voice, "have _you_ ever thought that maybe I was programmed this way?"

"Well, yes, but they just look so..." He rolled his eyes around a few times while thinking of how to word things. "I think people would be less...well, creeped out by you if you had, you know, white teeth. Like everybody else," he added.

"You sayin' I'm ugly?" Turbo swiftly sat up in the recliner, the back of it raising up with him. He had a look of general irritation about him now. "Gee, what kind of friend are you?"

"I didn't mean it like that!" the handyman protested as he tried to keep his cool. "I just meant that-"

"That I'm some freaky looking goblin with bad hygiene?"

"What? No!"

"Because I'll have you know that I brush and floss three times daily."

"_Turbo_!" Felix clenched his fists together and glared at the racer, which was something he didn't really like to do since he avoided confrontation like the plague. "I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just throwing out a suggestion!"

Turbo lazily slouched in his seat, his arms dangling loosely to the side. "Well your suggestion stinks. Besides, I like my gold teeth."

"They're not gold," Felix stated flatly.

"Uh-huh, they're gold like my trophies."

Felix held a hand up before Turbo started griping about how he didn't have his old trophies anymore, which was a common occurence. "Gold, yellow, whatever. I still think you should get them whitened."

"But then they won't match my lovely eyes," Turbo pouted, batting his short eyelashes before letting out a snort. "Besides, you're not gonna get _me_ to go to a dentist. They're _evil_."

"There is nothing remotely evil about Dr. Mario," the handyman replied as he allowed himself to roll his eyes.

"He's got all these weird pills and viruses everywhere," Turbo insisted with a wrinkle of his nose, "of _course_ he's evil."

Felix started counting off on his fingers. "Dr. Mario never hijacked other people's games, put them out of order, pretended to be someone else, let people bully a nine-year-old child for fifteen years, try to bash her skull in, and-"

"Okay, _okay_!" Turbo rubbed between his eyes with a thumb. "That still doesn't convince me to go see that little mustached jerk."

"He gives lollipops to all his patients!"

"I had my fair share of candy living in _Sugar Rush_, remember? And the fact that he gives out cavity-inducing treats is only more proof that he's evil!" He smacked his fist into his open palm. "He's trying to make us get diabetes or something so we have to keep visiting his office for treatment!"

Felix heaved an aggravated sigh, deciding to use his trump card. "Don't make me get Tammy to come over here."

"Wow, threatening to get your wife to come shoot me just because you want my teeth white? That's low, Fix-it," Turbo tsked as he grabbed his discarded newspaper and ripped a few pages from it to roll up into a ball.

"Hey, I haven't even read that yet!" Felix whined before getting pelted in the nose by a paperball.

* * *

Dr. Mario's waiting room was as boring as any other waiting room in the world. Turbo sat slouched in his seat with his arms crossed tightly against his chest and with a sneer plastered to his face. Felix had his now fixed newspaper with him as reading material, sitting in the seat next to his grumpy roommate.

"You know, it's a shame that I had to escort you to the doctor, Turbo."

"_You're_ the one who has a problem with my teeth, so you're going to sit here and suffer with me." The racer started kicking his legs out in front of him to tap at the coffee table in front of them to make an annoying noise.

Felix grit his teeth but kept his attention towards the newspaper. "You are such a child sometimes." Turbo blew a loud raspberry at him in response.

Finally, a female-sounding robotic voice came over the intercom system. "Hello, will Mister Turbo please go through the door to the right? The doctor will be right in."

"The heck was that?" Turbo demanded as he eyed the intercom device suspiciously.

"Just do what the voice said," Felix answered him as he continued reading the newspaper.

"Most people advise to _not_ give in to the voices," muttered the racer as he got up from his seat to go towards the aforementioned door. "All right, Fix-It, if you hear me scream, you better come in here waving that hammer of yours."

Felix briefly looked up to make sure that Turbo actually went inside the room. "Bring me a cherry lollipop back!"

* * *

Turbo had entered the room that the intercom voice had told him to go in, and he almost turned around to walk back out, but he knew that Felix would make him feel guilty for backing out of this. Not to mention, Turbo didn't want to look like a scaredy-cat, so the racer balled up his fists and plopped himself down in the seat that was provided.

Soon after he sat down, another door in the room opened, and Dr. Mario came in. He looked exactly like any other Mario in the world, except he wore a white lab coat, a stethoscope, and a head mirror around his forehead.

"Mama mia, I was not-a expecting you of all-a people," the Italian doctor admitted as he observed his patient.

"I'm not going to hack into your crummy game," Turbo huffed as he glared at his temporary nemesis. "I'm only here because Fix-It blackmailed me to come." He pointed at his teeth. "See, he thinks I need my teeth whitened because he's jealous of me having these bling-tastic gold ones, so he wants me to ruin them to make himself feel better."

"You're-a lying."

"Okay, fine, he didn't say that."

"I-a don't imagine that-a too many-a people are-a jealous of-a your teeth." He shrugged it off. "No matter, I can-a take a look and see-a what I can do."

Turbo gave him a wary look. "You have to actually touch my mouth?"

"That's-a kinda how it works, a-yeah."

"With your fingers?"

"_Si_."

"The same fingers you use to pick your nose and scratch your butt with?"

Dr. Mario heaved an annoyed sigh. "Turbo, I will-a be wearing a-gloves."

"Nope, no thanks, not interested, don't want your nasty hands on me, see ya!" He got up to leave, but Dr. Mario firmly grabbed his shoulder and shoved him back down.

"I don't-a think so."

Suddenly, restraints materialized from the chair that Turbo was sitting in, and he found himself unable to move his arms, legs and head.

"Hey, what's going on here!" the racer demanded as he tried to wriggle free. "Felix! Felix, get in here and save me!"

* * *

Felix could only hear the sounds of the clock ticking that was hanging on the wall, still sitting there reading his paper. He had no idea what was going on in the room next door as the entire room was soundproof.

"Hmm, I didn't even know they _had_ steroids in _Street Fighter_ _II_...oooh, a free coupon for a milkshake in _BurgerTime_!" He started carefully tearing along the dotted lines of the paper.

* * *

"Calm-a down," Dr. Mario insisted as he pulled a pair of medical gloves out of his pocket, tugging them on and snapping them on his wrists. He sat down on his stool and grabbed Turbo's jaw, forcing it open while he shined his pen light inside. "Since-a your teeth are-a programmed this-a way, I will-a have to completely remove-a them and-a give you new-a ones."

He released Turbo's jaw and rolled back away from on his stool, while the racer stared at him in horror. "Wait, you want to remove my teeth?" He tried to kick his legs free but it was no use. "I think you've been eating too many mushrooms!"

"Not-a mushrooms," the normally amiable doctor began, "I've-a been experimenting with my-a pills and viruses." His eyes glitched red for a moment. "I-a get so bored here with-a no one to-a talk to in between-a gaming sessions."

"You infected yourself with a virus and now you're plumb cuckoo!"

"It's-a nothing I can't-a handle." Dr. Mario went over to his storage closet and dug around for a while. "A-here we go! Teeth-a pullers!"

_"Feliiiiix!"_

* * *

Felix had scooted his chair closer to the coffee table and had the newspaper spread out flat on top of it, a pencil in his hand while he did the crossword puzzle.

"Hmm, a three-letter word that means virus, disease or worm." He chewed on the eraser for a moment, then looked up at the clock on the wall. "Jiminy, Turbo sure has been in there a while. Hope he isn't giving Dr. Mario a hard time."

He scrunched up his face in thought. "Huh. Turbo. Virus. Cybugs. Bug!" He filled the answer into the puzzle.

* * *

"If-a you had only-a cooperated, I would-a not have to-a force you to do-a this." Dr. Mario's entire face started glitching like crazy as red binary danced across his features. "I must-a cure all-a my patients' ills! Open-a wide!"

"Get away from me, you pill-popping lunatic!" Turbo's skinny arms had done so much wiggling that he was at last able to worm his hands free. Before he time to think about it, he reached up quickly to undo the strap that was securing his helmeted head.

"Stop-a that!" Dr. Mario shouted, and Turbo dodged the tooth puller just as it was thrust at him. Turbo head-butted Dr. Mario to make him reel back, the Italian grabbing his face in pain.

"Mama mia!"

"Good thing I have unnaturally thin wrists!" Turbo leaned down to rip the restraints from his ankles before hopping out of the chair, cracking his knuckles as he glared down the doctor. "Ever heard the phrase 'Physician, heal thyself'?"

"I _will _fix-a your teeth!" Dr. Mario said with a menacing growl, hopping up on his two feet swiftly right before the racer charged at him with a punch. "Ha ha, too-a slow!"

The Italian doctor leaped into the air, preparing to jump on top of his uncooperative patient, but Turbo flew out of the way at the last second. Dr. Mario crashed onto the floor, allowing for Turbo to leap on top of him and start beating the back of his skull like it was drumset. "Nobody, and I mean _nobody_, calls me _slow_!"

"Get off-a me!" Dr. Mario bucked like a horse and threw Turbo off of him, sending the racer flying against a wall. The madly glitching doctor panted heavily from the strenuous activity, picking himself up and dusting off his white labcoat, then straightened up his headlamp. "If-a you insist on-a being combative, I will have-a no choice to-a call for-a backup."

Dr. Mario put two fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly. Before Turbo had to time to react, the door that did _not_ lead back out to the waiting room opened, and three differently colored viruses came piling into the room. They all resembled little shapeless globs with bad teeth and huge eyes that had a permanent glare fixed into them. They all giggled evilly as they wiggled their fingers in anticipation of getting their hands on their new victim.

"Well, well, if it isn't Turbo," the red one said in a gravelly voice.

"We could use you for all kinds of evil doing," said the blue one in a thick "doofus" voice.

"You already know how it feels to have a virus in you, so this won't hurt a bit!" the yellow one cackled like a witch.

Turbo backed up away from them, not sure what to do now that he was outnumbered. "Hey, what is this? I came here to get my teeth whitened, not get a virus!"

"You idiot!" Yellow snapped at him. "Don't you get it? We infected Dr. Mario because we got sick of him keeping us locked up. So one day after the arcade closed, we infected him before he had a chance to lock us up for the night."

"We _convinced_ him to let us do it," Red smirked. "We told him how good it would feel to not have to be in control anymore, and let someone else take the reins."

"Yeah, and now he's all screwy!" Blue chuckled stupidly while making his eyes spin around in their sockets.

"And now we plan to do this with _everyone_!"

Turbo couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Man, I _knew_ something was fudged up about doctors' offices!" He let out a shriek when Red suddenly dove for him, and he kicked his leg out to knock him back into the other two viruses, making them all tumble over on top of each other.

"You-a idiots!" Dr. Mario shouted angrily before getting a punch in the face by Turbo.

The racer decided not to waste anymore time, and he ran for the door that led to the waiting room. He slammed the door shut and pressed against it with his body. "Felix, what the heck are you doing!"

Felix was busy coloring the comics section of his newspaper out of boredom. When he heard his name, he gasped lightly in shock and dropped the crayon that he was holding, then grinned sheepishly and shoved it all away from him. "Oh, nothing! Nothing important!"

"Good, then get over here and help me trap Dr. Mario in his office!"

Felix gave him a blank look, then he sighed and stood up to cross his arms. "Turbo, are you being difficult? Dr. Mario just wants to help you!"

The three viruses plus the doctor were all beating loudly on the door that Turbo was struggling to keep closed. He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up his strength. "Fix-It, just trust me! The viruses in this game infected the doctor and now he's completely bonkers! He wanted to rip my teeth out! Can you believe that!"

"What are you-"

"And then the viruses showed up and decided they wanted to infect me and use me as some kind of vessel! Do you have any idea how horrible it is to have a foreign program invade your code? It's a nightmare!"

Felix didn't even know what to think of all that. "Turbo...if this is some really weird scheme of yours to get out of having your teeth whitened-"

"It's not!"

"-then we don't have to go through with it," Felix finished, still not acknowledging the severity of the situation that was unfolding. "If it bothers you _that _much, I'm not gonna force you into it."

The door started to crack at the hinges due to all the pressure. Turbo was building up a sweat, which was not a good thing to be doing when you were wearing a tight bodysuit like the one he had on. "Yeah, thanks, Felix, that's really sentimental and stuff, and I wish you'd had that attitude from the start, but right now we are all gonna die if you don't get over here and HELP ME!"

Right as he said that, the door finally cracked open, and Turbo let out a yelp as he fell to the ground with the door winding up on top of him. Felix recoiled in shock as Dr. Mario and the viruses fell over on top of the door, squashing Turbo underneath it. One of his gray hands shakily appeared from under the pile, giving a weak thumbs-up gesture.

"I'm okay," he croaked out painfully.

"Jiminy jaminy!" Felix exclaimed as Dr. Mario stood up and glitched a few times. The four of them got off of the door (much to Turbo's relief) and glared down the handyman. Felix gulped, his hand instinctively going to his hammer.

"Get-a him!" Dr. Mario commanded, his hand flying out in front of him to point at Felix.

The three viruses made a run for him, but Felix hopped straight into the air to avoid them. They all went crashing into the fake palm tree that was in the corner of the room, getting all tangled up in each other. Dr. Mario growled and leaped into the air to attack Felix with, but the handyman dodged his moves.

"Dr. Mario, snap out of it!" he pleaded, pulling out his hammer and quickly tapping him with it in hopes that would cure him. All it did though was make the doctor laugh.

"Fool, you can't-a cure viruses with-a your magic hammer!"

"It was worth a shot!" Felix called out as he caught his breath. "Turbo, are you okay?"

Turbo finally heaved himself out from under the door, kicking the ruined thing over to the side. "I'm still alive, so yeah," he said while rubbing his sore face where it had been smashed into the floor. "Keep him occupied, will ya?"

Before Felix had a chance to ask what _that_ meant, Turbo went dashing behind him to go back into the examination room. "What are you doing?!" the handyman cried out as Dr. Mario jumped in for another attack. Felix wasn't prepared for it, and he went flying to the floor, landing roughly on his back.

"Viruses, go after that-a racer!" Dr. Mario ordered while wrestling with Felix on the ground.

* * *

Turbo had opened the second door that had been in the exam room, which as it turned out led to a back hallway, which was completely white and completely sterile looking much like a realistic hospital. He had never been in this game before, but he had a feeling that if he went all the way down the end of this hallway, that he'd find what he needed.

He turned when he heard the sounds of the viruses coming up on him, and he sprinted for his life down the hall. "I wish I had my car with me! It would make this a lot faster!" he panted out loud as he came to another door that was located right at the very end of the corridor.

"No, don't go in there!" Red yelled out fearfully as the viruses struggled to catch up.

Turbo smirked and put his hand on the door handle. "Judging by your reaction, I take it that I'm in the right place," he noted as he twisted the handle and then disappeared behind the door.

He heard the cries of protest from the viruses, but he slammed the door shut regardless. Turbo could hear them pounding on the door, but unlike the one that had been used for the waiting room, this door was solid steel.

"Ha, try breaking _this_ one down!" he taunted before turning around and gazing at all the different pills that were available to him now. He let out a sneaky chuckle and rubbed his hands together as he approached the rows and rows of multi-colored pills. "Come to Turbo."

* * *

"Hold-a still!"

"Never!"

Felix was growing exhausted. He had been successful in dodging all of Dr. Mario's attacks thus far, but he was tiring out quickly. Whatever it was Turbo was doing, the handyman hoped he was doing it _fast_.

"You're late for your yearly vaccination, doc!"

Felix had never been so happy to hear Turbo's voice in his life. Dr. Mario turned on his heel, an outraged look on his face, just in time to get knocked down flat on his back by the 80s racer.

"Fix-It, hold his arms back!" he commanded as he pulled out a pill from a small pack that he currently had on his back.

Felix rushed to do as he was instructed, all the while Dr. Mario was thrashing and yelling out what the handyman was certain were Italian curses. "You watch your mouth!" he chided him, shaking his head. "You're rated E for Everyone, you know!"

Turbo was sitting on Dr. Mario's abdomen, and he used his free hand to force the man's mouth open. "I don't have a spoonful of sugar for ya, my bad," he smirked as he thrust the pill inside his mouth, then forcefully clamped his mouth shut.

Dr. Mario's eyes nearly popped out of his head, and he made all sorts of protesting noises at the substance being in his mouth. At last, he had no other choice but to swallow the medication. He glitched insanely, to the point where Felix and Turbo had to get off of him because they were starting to glitch as well. The two of them stood back as the doctor curled up into a ball to hug himself, his whole body at last calming itself after a minute of crippling spasms.

Felix exchanged glances with Turbo before he cleared his throat and gingerly approached the doctor. "Um, Doc? Dr. Mario, are you all right?"

"Oy...mama mia," the Italian muttered in a tired voice, slowly lifting his head off of the floor and pushing himself up to a sitting position. He held his head in his hands and rubbed at his eyes. "What-a happened?"

"You tried to infect us with your pet viruses," Turbo told him in a very unamused voice, his arms crossed as he glared at him, "all of which were properly disposed of via medication and are now locked up in their holding cell."

"Turbo!" Felix snapped at him for his rude tone before going to help the doctor to his feet. "Doc, you might want to keep better control of your viruses from now on."

"Oh-a dear," the mustached man mumbled to himself. "I am-a so sorry! I don't-a know what-a got into me! Those-a viruses...they told-a me that-"

"That they could solve all your problems?" Turbo finished for him with a scoff tacked onto the end of it. "Dude, playing around with that stuff is bad juju. Stick with the hero schtick and giving people medicine instead of deadly viruses that make them act like they're cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."

Felix and Dr. Mario stared at him in silence. Turbo looked annoyed and rolled his eyes at them. "What? Just because I'm a horrible person sometimes doesn't mean I can disapprove of other horrible things."

"Gee, and here I was thinking that you'd always be a selfish cad that only cared about himself," Felix couldn't help but smile at his roommate..

"What are you talking about? I-I _am_ a selfish cad!" Turbo insisted, his eyes avoiding the two heroic figures in the room. "I only helped because I didn't want some psycho ripping my teeth out, and I didn't want some nasty virus crawling around inside my code and then destroying the arcade and getting us all unplugged!"

"So you _don't_ want everyone in the arcade dying, is that it?" Felix pressed on, trying to stifle some giggles. It wasn't often that he got to pick on Turbo like this. "You really do care!"

Turbo looked very uncomfortable at this conversation, and he crossed his arms and shrugged his shoulders up, turning his face away even more. "Shut up, Fix-It!"

Dr. Mario cleared his throat so he could butt in. "Anyways, I owe-a you boys a favor for-a helping me. Anything you-a want, you can-a have it."

"I just want to get out of here!" Turbo whined, but then suddenly a thought came to him. "Wait, I have a brilliant idea."

* * *

Calhoun sat across from her husband at the dinner table, trying to enjoy their evening meal together. However, her attention kept drifting and at last she groaned heavily and glared her eyes towards Felix's left. It didn't help that her eyes were constantly getting assaulted by an annoying stream of bright light.

"Do you _mind_?"

"Nope," Turbo grinned at her with all of his teeth showing.

"Well can you sit somewhere else?" she growled impatiently. "The light reflecting off of your teeth is blinding me, and I can't enjoy myself!"

"Guys, can we _please_ just get along for once?" Felix pleaded with his wife and friend.

"I'm just trying to show her my new bling-tastic teeth," Turbo insisted. "Dr. Mario did a great job programming this metallic surface on them."

"It looks stupid," Calhoun said bluntly as she shielded her eyes from the shiny gold teeth, "and I thought you hated doctors."

"I don't hate the ones that make me look better than I already do. Besides, this is my reward for saving the arcade," he added as he puffed out his chest proudly.

Felix let out a little groan. "We're never gonna hear the end of this."

"It all started when I woke up this morning and decided I wanted to score some babes around here," Turbo began, lazing back in his chair with one arm thrown behind him and over the top of the chair like he was some cool 90s kid.

"I can always end it by shooting his miserable face," Calhoun responded to her husband with a murderous look in her eye.

"_Tammy_!"

"And I said to myself 'Turbo, you need to do something with your teeth if you want a chance with these chicks'. Felix here is so jealous of my good looks that he tried to discourage me from going."

Felix gawked at him in disbelief. "That is _not_ how it happened!"

"Quiet, Fix-It, I tell better stories than you. Now where was I? Oh yeah, so I decided to go to Dr. Mario to get my gold teeth even _more_ gold, and-"

**THE END**


End file.
